How I’m feeling right now? Talk about a difficult writing challenge! I think this question is problematic. You’re asking a person to name emotions here, and the sad fact is that some of those things are nameless. And even if they DO have names, the mish-mash of sensation can sometimes get so tangled that you can’t even tell where the ends and the beginnings are. How can you explain a landscape numbness with a river of anxiety running right through it, occasionally interrupted by a seedling of an impulse to laugh, boulders of frustration, and ghosts of guilt, specters of regret? It’s not sadness. It’s not depression. It’s closer to hysterical loss–except that I haven’t actually lost anything that I value.
The frightening thing, the most frightening thing is that I’m starting to wonder if this is some form of premonition. What if how I’m feeling right now is due to the fact that something WILL happen in the future? But I know that it doesn’t make sense. This is the real world. NOTHING REALLY MAKES SENSE HERE, no matter how often we insist that it does. Thinking that I feel this way right now because something is going to happen will only make sense if I were The White Queen, who lives backwards through time. And I’m pretty sure I’m not.
I’m not like this all the time, you know. More often than not, I’m more than a little chipper. Annoyingly so, if I think about it. But once in a while, I’ll run out of that high…
Maybe it’d be simpler to say that what I’m feeling right now is a low. Like the sound of a double bass sustained and quivering, waiting to fade into the air, into silence.