I’m tempted to say that I can’t pick one thing I’ve lied about that I actually think I could share here because, frankly, I LIE FOR A LIVING (it’s a writer thing). But, since this is again an exercise in stepping out of my comfort zone, I guess I’m going to have to try to NOT be flippant over this. It took me a few hours to try and figure out which lie I should be discussing right now. Eventually, it dawned on me that I should try and talk about that one lie that I keep falling back on; it’s the one I keep telling myself.
“I know what I’m doing.”
Many people, including me, believe this lie most of the time. It comes with being the eldest child, and it comes with years of trying to exude bravado in the face of bullying. It also comes from being generally seen as a veteran in the industry that I happen to be working in. With the right posture, tone of voice, and circumstances, you too can seem like the kind of person that people can depend on when it looks like things are spiraling into chaos. The worst part is that I can’t even bear to tell anyone (including myself) the truth when people ask for help. Why? BECAUSE SOMETHING NEEDS DOING, AND WE AT LEAST NEED TO TRY.
That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know whatever the hell it is that I’m supposed to be doing. Hell, I don’t even know where I’m going to be in five years. I don’t have a plan, people. All I want out of life is to be comfortably paid for what I do best (reading and writing), have enough money to help take care of my family, and maybe publish a book. Perhaps there’s a glimmer of an idea somewhere of setting up a decent school for people who want to be in the communications industry – because good god, few communications professionals I’ve met these days ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE (I’m sorry, it’s true) – but that means I have to find investors who wouldn’t be insulted by the suggestion that they need to improve their ability to communicate. Apart from that, however, I really have no concrete direction in life. I just pretend I do, so I don’t feel like a freaking failure and so the people who ask me questions won’t be terrified by the realization that a person who they think knows something doesn’t know anything at all.
I’d use a photo of Ygritte right now, if that wasn’t already a big fat cliche.
One thing I lied about, am lying about, and will lie about in the future is the knowledge of what I’m doing with my life and my career. I suppose I’ll always lie about it. Young writers need hope, after all.