Being the nervous sort of person that I am (I blame asthma for this; don’t ask me why), I tend to worry about a lot of stuff. Heck, being ALIVE worries me sometimes, and the fact that that worries me actually worries me more.
Please don’t send me to a psych ward. I promise I’m a productive member of society who tries not to bother anyone.
But getting back to the topic – I’m being asked to discuss something that’s currently worrying me. There’s one thing that immediately came to mind when I read the prompt, and it seems I can’t help but try to stall. I don’t particularly like to admit that I’m worried about this. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I think people will just tell me that I’m being silly, or worse – they might agree with me, and I don’t think I’d be able to face that kind of truthiness right now.
But I guess I have to cop to it: I’m worried that I’m a hypocrite.
I complain about a lot of things, keep saying things should be one way or not the other. But then I catch myself doing certain things that support the status quo. I say that people should be allowed to read whatever they want to read, but then a few weeks later I find myself completely bothered by the fact that someone I met keeps claiming that Fifty Shades and Twilight are the pinnacle of modern book series. I say that people should be rewarded for their hard work and, even if I do put a lot of work into my job, I still enjoy getting a heftier paycheck than my brother – who happens to work harder than I ever will on anything. I say that we must never rely on luck, but lately I’m starting to wonder just how much of my fairly good fortune as of late could be chalked up to pure dumb luck. I say I’m open to various interpretations of geek stuff I love, then I very openly hate on “Elementary” (sorry, I just…THAT’S NOT SHERLOCK, I DON’T CARE WHAT THE PRODUCERS SAY).
Of course, if another person were saying all that stuff, I’ll probably say “SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” I’d say that. But, upon reflection I wouldn’t take the advice myself. I like pretending that issues OUT THERE are simple. They aren’t; because if I apply them to me, I can see every little fiber of complexity that holds that thing together. Many things make people stay with something that seems undesirable in the surface. Love. Fear. Convenience. Comfort. Resignation. Habit. The inability to admit that one is flawed.
I am just as broken as any other person out there. But I pretend that I’m as I should be, and that there’s nothing wrong with telling people to get over something when I have trouble getting over that very same thing.
I wonder if worrying about this makes me less of a hypocrite? Somehow, I think not.