Writing Challenge 33 – Something That’s Constantly On My Mind

Asking me to talk about something that’s constantly on my mind is basically asking for trouble, considering the fact that I live in my head about 70% of the time. That’s why I’m into things like writing, editing, reading, and watching television. These are things that don’t force me out of my head, without letting me stew in my own ideas. I’m not saying that I actively dislike human interaction – people are awesome and interesting – it’s just that being social forces you to concentrate on something other than your thoughts, and I come from a long line of avid thinkers.

At this point, I would like to point out that not everything I think about is necessarily profound or even a good idea. I once spent an entire day thinking about manatees in funny little hats and how much I’ll be willing to pay so I can see them have high tea at a water park.

English: manatee Français : lamantin
Give him a top hat, a monocle and some tea. PRICELESS.,(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Because I tend to think of so many things at any given time, I m not quite sure which thoughts are actually the ones that serve as my constant companion. I honestly spent several hours thinking about this. Instead of just one thing, I ended up with a list:

  • My inability to live up to my own (admittedly ridiculously high) expectations of myself. I don’t know if this is a geek thing, a nerd thing, or BOTH.
  • The question of whether or not I’m a good person – and which one I want to be. I know they aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive because humans are complex creatures, but it still bothers me.
  • My inability to live up to the expectations of the people I care about – list includes my mother, my friends, and even my boss. I know it’s impossible to make everyone happy without screwing yourself over, but I still feel bad about it.
  • My complete and utter lack of workable social skills. Many MANY times, I do or say the wrong thing – it’s not that I don’t know what the right thing is; it’s just that it never feels right at the time.
  • How my professional and personal writing get in the way of each other. I can’t help but wonder if I should apply good SEO to my writing here; and sometimes writing marketing copy makes me feel dirty – I feel guilty about both.
  • How much my line of work is disrespected. I look at some of the stuff that gets published on the Internet, and I feel extremely angry at the sheer lack of effort people put into writing. I’m ALWAYS ON THE INTERNET.
  • The fear that I’m not where I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. Half the time, I think I might not have gotten as much success as I should have; the other half leaves me thinking that I have too much success for too little effort.
  • The fear of not being able to handle bad stuff. As someone who grew up extremely sheltered (that’s nothing to really be ashamed of), I worry that I won’t know what to do when I need to take on my mom’s role in this family. I know I’ll have to.

As it turns out, there is no one SOMETHING that’s constantly on my mind. I have several things that I think of on some level every single day of my life, and it seems that most of them feed my naturally anxious nature.

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris
I’m either thinking too hard, or not thinking enough. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This almost makes me think that I need a shrink; but I’m not sure how many truly good psychiatric professionals are here in the Philippines. You know, the types that don’t send you to the poorhouse via exorbitant fees, don’t just fall back on prescribing you expensive medication, and aren’t clergy. I have nothing against clergy offering comfort as psychiatrists; it’s just that I need to be sure that my own take on faith won’t come into question at some point. Cleric types here in the Philippines have this bad habit of being too preachy, no matter what they’re doing; they also tend to make God the solution to everything.

Wow. I really have issues.

I wonder how many people are out there thinking about what they always think about?

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