A Shit Ton of Stuff on My Mind

Yeah, I didn’t post anything last Friday because my brain was distracting me so much that I forgot I was supposed to post something. Geez, so much for my triumphant return to blogging. Not that I’m wholly unjustified in said distraction–it involved a conversation that I can’t talk about yet because a lot of other stuff needs to be confirmed first, as well as a shit-ton of tasks involving both my job and my extra-curriculars–but of course I feel guilty about this. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t feel a lot of arguably pointless guilt.

Of course, even posting this makes me feel awful on account of its shittiness. This is a shitty post. Most of my posts over the last few weeks are goddamn shitty, and my mind is tormented by it. The worst part is that I handle this kind of thing by pretending it doesn’t exist. I just…move away from the keyboard and refuse to think of all the fucking typos I’ve made.

My more personal writing isn’t faring any better. I didn’t write anything for four days. FOUR DAYS. Why? Because I felt the irrational need to wallow in an emotion that isn’t very clear to me. It felt better than thinking about the thing that elicited said emotion in the first place. I don’t want to think about why something that should flatter me terrifies the hell out of me. At the same time, I know I’ll be disappointed if this whatever thing doesn’t push through because I’ve already invested so much panic into it, panic that I tried to ignore with the new episodes of “Avatar: The Legend of Korra“.

Those episodes didn’t actually help, by the way. They just made me really, REALLY angry because apparently my feelings for Mako and Korra (I find them ridiculously annoying) haven’t changed between seasons, and I felt there had been too much of them and not enough Asami or Bolin–two characters that I actually like. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if they had shown some kind of growth for Mako and Korra, the way they showed some growth between seasons for the “Avatar: The Last Airbender” cast. But they didn’t. I keep wanting to punch the new Avatar and her boyfriend in the face (sorry, Korra fans). I know that she’s supposed to be a teenager and stuff, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s too much of an asshole to deserve the Avatar-ness in my book. Most heroes would have done something truly heroic by now, but I don’t think she has. It bothers the fricking hell out of me.

All in all, I guess my point is that I’m feeling off-kilter and upset over a lot of things, and therefore cannot guarantee regular posting until I sort this out.

Seriously, if an animated epic doesn’t get me out of my funk–and actually made my emotional state worse–then I really don’t think I can post anything really coherent in this blog. Which, as I have already said, makes me even more depressed.

I really suck
I really do.

Yeah, I know. Excuses. I’m not a REAL writer and shit because I don’t find time to write. I already make those fucking accusations towards myself. They don’t help; they just paralyze me. Right now, I need to re-think everything that I’ve been doing.

Except I can’t even get myself to really think despite all the stuff in my mind.

I’m screwed.

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4 thoughts on “A Shit Ton of Stuff on My Mind

  1. All of the feels you’ve just described about writing, I know them all, lol! And don’t feel too bad, my friend. Writing is tough as fuck and it takes a lot of energy (physical, mental, creative, etc, etc) out of you. I say take all the time you need. Or write random shit to jog your brain. That’s what I do.

    1. Lex, I really, REALLY appreciate that 🙂

      PS: I apologize for the late response; lots of crazy stuff happened to my life over the last month, and I haven’t gotten around to checking into this blog. Trying to remedy that as we speak.

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