On the Wrong Sorts of Rituals

If you’ve been following this blog (to which I would respond: Really? Oh, wow, thanks!), then you probably know that I’ve chosen to take a hiatus from updating it in favor of my job.

In retrospect, it may not have been a good move for me. Stopping THIS particular writing ritual made all my other personal writing habits go to shit. And while I can’t regret going on hiatus (trying to sustain this while keeping up with the schedule I’d imposed upon myself to get work stuff done would have been nuts), I’d have to admit that it had a very negative effect.

Depression over choosing the wrong ritual
Original photo by Ryan McGuire on Pixabay, slightly modified.

With this personal ritual gone, I found myself clinging to my weekday work cycle ritual:

  • Wake up at 3 am to check/respond to emails and work out to-do lists for about an hour
  • Prepare for the office
  • Leave for the office around 5:30 am; get to there on or before 6 (despair for about 10 minutes if I arrive later later)
  • Review other people’s work (if any) or respond to more correspondences at work
  • Try to divine how the hell I’m supposed to do crap with cryptic/changing instructions and scope creep
  • Go straight home (if I don’t have to do overtime or any chores to deal with)
  • Get cleaned up and take a 2-hour nap with the help of ASMR videos
  • Get up for dinner
  • Go back to sleep
  • Repeat on every weekday

Of course, this was not good for me; this was especially since our company’s undergoing massive changes and one change in particular had, diplomatically speaking, put me in situations of conflict.

And call my kum-ba-yah preferences stupid, but I HATE being in conflict and having confrontations.

So essentially, I chose to put all my effort into the wrong sort of ritual and gave up a ritual that actually energized me. I’d give myself some sarcastic applause if it didn’t depress me so much.

To be clear: this is not exactly anyone’s fault.

Things are what they are.

I am who I am.

And, sadly, after all these years, who I am and what I do for a living have stopped working in harmony.

With the right ritual comes peace
Original image from Unsplash via Pixabay, slightly modified.

Whether or not having continued my personal writing would have helped me through the challenges I went through over the last few months is moot. Sometimes, the act of writing is cathartic enough to allow me to set fire to my frustrations, helping me let go. Other times, all it does is reinforce my ash-grey thoughts. It’s a motherfucking crapshoot.

But what I have realized over the last month or so is that there are rituals you have for other people and there are rituals you have for yourself.

The right kind of ritual is whatever helps you become who you need to be for the world.

I think it’s about time I get back to that second kind of ritual. So I guess you guys will be seeing me around a little more often.

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